from here to there to there
i think i'm making up for my civilian air force upbringing now, doing two year stints in random cities accross the states. in approximately one day i will be out of california indefinitely. i've only cried once so far, which is good. although, i've already cried salty tears of emotion in front of most people i've grown close with here in the past two years. so, whatever. i just don't want to cry when i leave this apartment. fuck. this. apartment.
san francisco has been amazing and i really hope i can come back someday when i've got enough money to truly enjoy it but before i'm too old to be irrelevant here. (that age seems to be around 40, 35 if you're looking to settle down.) i was reflecting on this yesterday, that i spent SO MUCH time pushing my career forward that i never slowed down to enjoy other aspects of the bay area outside of the art scene. and even that i only half enjoyed. meh. grad school is a bitch.
it got me thinking, though, about something i heard once. i can't remember who said it or where i heard it but it basically was about how women who are ambitious professionally during their 20s grow to resent the fact that they never enjoyed their 20s later in life-- that they were too busy to date and be young and desirable. add to that the fact that i know a few women who've rushed into marriage and motherhood to avoid becoming 30/40/50-something uber professionals who no man would ever date because of their intimidating hard earned, well-deserved pedigree, and it's a little troublesome. not because i want to slow down nor because i feel like i'm missing my 20s, because i'm fully engaged in them right now. no.
i want to be comfortable. me being comfortable includes being the best at what i do. me being the best at what i do requires hard work. hard work is time consuming. truisms are truisms. blah.
whispers of the terrible fear that i may never settle down, whatever that means, and that i'm too caught up in my career are growing louder around me. i can already hear the conversations during my extended stay in utah and feel the discomfort as i explain, yet again, that no, i'm not seeing anybody.
it's never less shocking to hear people return to the familiar tropes of "danger! educated black woman! less wanted! too intimidating! a man is the ultimate goal!" especially as i accomplish more and more exciting and noteworthing things that have nothing to do with relationships.
also, it just drives home how little 95% of people know me. the assumption that i'm limited to men or the assumption that i'm interested in fundamental compromise is laughable. i don't know if it's that they hope that i'll come around or what but it's silly at this point.
all this boils down to the fact that my stay in utah until i head out to minnesota will likely be the last extended stay i will have there for the rest of my life. i have family there. i grew up there. i know the ropes. and that's why i cut through them as early as i could.
it's mildly sad. because the more people ask me if i'm from [enter urban center] the more i want to announce that i am actually from utah. it's where i got my education. it's the culture that informed my social development. it's the society that inspired me to defy and to investigate everything.
i dunno. basically i'm trying not to pack these last few items and i'm kinda running out of shit to say at the moment. who knows.
blah.
peace,
14 June 2009
21 May 2009
propagator of the new
ok.
so, the title of master of art was just conferred upon me a week ago. hallelujah. that was one of the hardest things i've done in a long while. i'm glad i made it through in as many pieces as i did.
also, in my own medical opinion and considering how achy i still am eight weeks after the fact, i broke/fractured some of my right metatarsals. i would have gone to the doctor, see, but i was too busy toiling over my thesis and flying across the country for interviews to be bothered. in hindsight i can't believe i didn't go to the doctor. i could hardly walk. after same day departure and return flights my entire lower leg was so swollen i thought the skin was going to break. it was pretty gnarly...broken capillaries, etc.
maybe i'm getting too old to be such a g about injuries. i did just turn 26, after all. and i'm coming off a five month sedentary lifestyle bender courtesy of grad school. i'm eager to get my ass moving again.
speaking of moving, i'm headed to the upper midwest. it's not as bad of a thing as it sounds because i'll be a fellow and be making money and will come out of this thing with the experience i need to put me on the path to running things before i'm 30. this is my current goal. i'd move virtually anywhere to accomplish this.
i had an option to relocate to nyc but ultimately decided against that because the institution wanted me to live in poverty for the first year. i'm starting not to dig this whole broke thing, and i'm certainly over this whole roommates thing. for what they were offering i would have to move to, like, outer new jersey. and live in a basement apartment. with three other people. fuck that. one of the best things about NOT living in these coastal urban areas is that you can find decent living for reasonable prices. i'm fixing to get a one bedroom apartment for less than the cost of what i'm paying now to live in a "share." fuck your share. besides that, i'm positive that i'll end up in nyc sometime relatively soon. potentially with enough income to have my own place! in an actual burrough!
i think.
emotionally i'm kind of vapid. i suppose this new incarnation of whomp is due to some type of master's detox thing but it's long been annoying as hell. of course my current flummoxed emotional state has the residue of last year all over it. STILL. i keep trying to wash it off but it sticks to my heart like the scum from dollar store bar soap. and believe me, i've scrubbed.
after the high of successfully completing my thesis defense last week i went out for seafood and white wine with my beloved michael. we talked about a lot; it'd been at least two or three months since we'd last seen one another. many changes have occurred since then and we elaborated accordingly. we both ended up crying over our oysters and chardonnay. but it was more inauspicious than liberating, even though it was very comforting.
crying in public is really gut wrenching and embarrassing.
this last time i was in new york i was on the tail-end of a battle with my spring allergies. despite this i was continually being caught without tissue when i needed it and was having to choke down the violent sneezes that welled in my respiratory system. so, as i left for my interview i made sure to grab some tissue from my hotel room and put it in my purse to avoid blowing snot all over the place and disgusting my potential employers. fortunately i had no need for the tissue.
the afternoon following going out with michael, as i walked up to a curiously busy bus stop on my way to work, i noticed a woman crying. not bawling or making a scene. just crying. and if i noticed this then i know at least ten other people standing there noticed this but everyone was doing that thing where we all avoid involvement because we're in public, and it's a bus stop, and it's none of our business. i do it all the time.
except that day, less than 24 hours after i sat at a table and noticed people around me shift uncomfortably while i quietly wiped tears from my face as i vocalized truths i've told virtually no other person, i didn't ignore her. i remembered those tissues zipped neatly in the pocket of my purse. without fanfare and with few words i gave them to her.
it was a beautiful moment of causality. all these motions i've gone through and the experiences i've had in the last two years have borne some unexpected fruit that in my clearest of foresight i could never have predicted. remove any one of them and quite probably i would have not only ignored that woman, but scoffed at her and moved to another spot near the bus stop where i wouldn't have had to endure her sobbing. further, i may not have even had done sufficient enough groundwork to afford myself the opportunity to be interviewing for that position and thus unable to be in that hotel to put the tissue in my purse in the first place. this all, of course, was contingent on me understanding myself more fully and having a more pointed unflappability that only going through the last year (or two) has provided.
i have to face the fact i'm so far removed from where i used to be that i can hardly recognize who it was i was trying to be and what it was i was trying to prove. though much clarity has been gained, there is still a tremendous amount of opacity in my life.
and that's ok.
ok.
peace,
ok.
so, the title of master of art was just conferred upon me a week ago. hallelujah. that was one of the hardest things i've done in a long while. i'm glad i made it through in as many pieces as i did.
also, in my own medical opinion and considering how achy i still am eight weeks after the fact, i broke/fractured some of my right metatarsals. i would have gone to the doctor, see, but i was too busy toiling over my thesis and flying across the country for interviews to be bothered. in hindsight i can't believe i didn't go to the doctor. i could hardly walk. after same day departure and return flights my entire lower leg was so swollen i thought the skin was going to break. it was pretty gnarly...broken capillaries, etc.
maybe i'm getting too old to be such a g about injuries. i did just turn 26, after all. and i'm coming off a five month sedentary lifestyle bender courtesy of grad school. i'm eager to get my ass moving again.
speaking of moving, i'm headed to the upper midwest. it's not as bad of a thing as it sounds because i'll be a fellow and be making money and will come out of this thing with the experience i need to put me on the path to running things before i'm 30. this is my current goal. i'd move virtually anywhere to accomplish this.
i had an option to relocate to nyc but ultimately decided against that because the institution wanted me to live in poverty for the first year. i'm starting not to dig this whole broke thing, and i'm certainly over this whole roommates thing. for what they were offering i would have to move to, like, outer new jersey. and live in a basement apartment. with three other people. fuck that. one of the best things about NOT living in these coastal urban areas is that you can find decent living for reasonable prices. i'm fixing to get a one bedroom apartment for less than the cost of what i'm paying now to live in a "share." fuck your share. besides that, i'm positive that i'll end up in nyc sometime relatively soon. potentially with enough income to have my own place! in an actual burrough!
i think.
emotionally i'm kind of vapid. i suppose this new incarnation of whomp is due to some type of master's detox thing but it's long been annoying as hell. of course my current flummoxed emotional state has the residue of last year all over it. STILL. i keep trying to wash it off but it sticks to my heart like the scum from dollar store bar soap. and believe me, i've scrubbed.
after the high of successfully completing my thesis defense last week i went out for seafood and white wine with my beloved michael. we talked about a lot; it'd been at least two or three months since we'd last seen one another. many changes have occurred since then and we elaborated accordingly. we both ended up crying over our oysters and chardonnay. but it was more inauspicious than liberating, even though it was very comforting.
crying in public is really gut wrenching and embarrassing.
this last time i was in new york i was on the tail-end of a battle with my spring allergies. despite this i was continually being caught without tissue when i needed it and was having to choke down the violent sneezes that welled in my respiratory system. so, as i left for my interview i made sure to grab some tissue from my hotel room and put it in my purse to avoid blowing snot all over the place and disgusting my potential employers. fortunately i had no need for the tissue.
the afternoon following going out with michael, as i walked up to a curiously busy bus stop on my way to work, i noticed a woman crying. not bawling or making a scene. just crying. and if i noticed this then i know at least ten other people standing there noticed this but everyone was doing that thing where we all avoid involvement because we're in public, and it's a bus stop, and it's none of our business. i do it all the time.
except that day, less than 24 hours after i sat at a table and noticed people around me shift uncomfortably while i quietly wiped tears from my face as i vocalized truths i've told virtually no other person, i didn't ignore her. i remembered those tissues zipped neatly in the pocket of my purse. without fanfare and with few words i gave them to her.
it was a beautiful moment of causality. all these motions i've gone through and the experiences i've had in the last two years have borne some unexpected fruit that in my clearest of foresight i could never have predicted. remove any one of them and quite probably i would have not only ignored that woman, but scoffed at her and moved to another spot near the bus stop where i wouldn't have had to endure her sobbing. further, i may not have even had done sufficient enough groundwork to afford myself the opportunity to be interviewing for that position and thus unable to be in that hotel to put the tissue in my purse in the first place. this all, of course, was contingent on me understanding myself more fully and having a more pointed unflappability that only going through the last year (or two) has provided.
i have to face the fact i'm so far removed from where i used to be that i can hardly recognize who it was i was trying to be and what it was i was trying to prove. though much clarity has been gained, there is still a tremendous amount of opacity in my life.
and that's ok.
ok.
peace,
14 April 2009
12 March 2009
the cure for irregulitis
damn. i should be writing here more but i write SO MUCH elsewhere that it's hard to want to write here. for fun or not.
whatever.
as quickly has time has passed, it's been an exceptionally long, oh, year(ish). i'm finally honing back in on my power zone. at least i think so.
i keep saying that here-- that i'm back to normal. the way i was. the truth is i don't remember what that space is at all anymore. perhaps normal has shifted a little now and i'm just more accustomed to that.
really i'm coming to understand the differences between growth and compromise. intimately. and that somehow i lost sight of what it means to be me on my terms. which is odd because i never had that problem until recently.
basically i need to start hanging around people my own age. it seems like two-thirds of the people i know just turned thirty or older and that has been the mindfuck from hell. it's been pushing me into a pre-mature panic about my own maturity and success levels.
in talking with someone closer to my age (she's 24) we both were relieved that we were having the same anxieties about our circles of people. it was a relief to hear someone else vocalize what i'd been thinking for months. i'm not trying to play older or play younger. i'm trying to play this moment for all it's worth. and dammit if i'm not doing a fine job. on paper and in reality.
i'm coming into my own as a creative thinker, as a professional...just as a person overall. i can love and be okay with that. i can hate and be okay with that. i can take action and be okay with that. i can do nothing and be okay with that. i deserve what i want and need and i can be okay with that.
settling in is not my lot right now. i'm up for everything. there is SO MUCH of my own potential i've yet to tap into. it's exciting.
i've been letting go of shit for too long. it's time to take on the new. it's great that everything is so open for me. i graduate in two months. i could end up anywhere doing what i love to do. i feign stress but i'm actually really invigorated by the prospects of the next stage.
i'm tired in a good way.
peace,
damn. i should be writing here more but i write SO MUCH elsewhere that it's hard to want to write here. for fun or not.
whatever.
as quickly has time has passed, it's been an exceptionally long, oh, year(ish). i'm finally honing back in on my power zone. at least i think so.
i keep saying that here-- that i'm back to normal. the way i was. the truth is i don't remember what that space is at all anymore. perhaps normal has shifted a little now and i'm just more accustomed to that.
really i'm coming to understand the differences between growth and compromise. intimately. and that somehow i lost sight of what it means to be me on my terms. which is odd because i never had that problem until recently.
basically i need to start hanging around people my own age. it seems like two-thirds of the people i know just turned thirty or older and that has been the mindfuck from hell. it's been pushing me into a pre-mature panic about my own maturity and success levels.
in talking with someone closer to my age (she's 24) we both were relieved that we were having the same anxieties about our circles of people. it was a relief to hear someone else vocalize what i'd been thinking for months. i'm not trying to play older or play younger. i'm trying to play this moment for all it's worth. and dammit if i'm not doing a fine job. on paper and in reality.
i'm coming into my own as a creative thinker, as a professional...just as a person overall. i can love and be okay with that. i can hate and be okay with that. i can take action and be okay with that. i can do nothing and be okay with that. i deserve what i want and need and i can be okay with that.
settling in is not my lot right now. i'm up for everything. there is SO MUCH of my own potential i've yet to tap into. it's exciting.
i've been letting go of shit for too long. it's time to take on the new. it's great that everything is so open for me. i graduate in two months. i could end up anywhere doing what i love to do. i feign stress but i'm actually really invigorated by the prospects of the next stage.
i'm tired in a good way.
peace,
25 February 2009
25 January 2009
the letter of the day is 'L'
i've been on a rampage of total honesty with people i care about. this has been hard. this has been necessary.
dishonesty isn't what i aim for, but i get all tangled up in vagueness in an effort to cloak my vulnerability. so, i know i come off enigmatic. believe me, i've tried to change this. but i can't.
for the last three weeks i've been glutting myself on the freedom that comes with openness. the difficulty, the relief-- totally worth it. hands down one of the most liberating things i've done for myself in a long while.
it's unabashedly selfish; probably more selfish than i'm prone to being in any other circumstance. but if these are some of the people i care about it's important for me to be able to artciulate exactly why and how i care, to them and just in general.
maybe it's my old age (ha!) but i'm at a place where i'm less inclined to stifle my feelings. and it really pains me to say this because less than five years ago i was all "fuck emotionality. fuck feelings. fuck all that shit." sometimes i get nostalgic for that time when consequence was farther down on my list of important things and emotional transparency was an impossibility. but that passes pretty quickly.
yet it never goes away entirely.
for now this is good. it's okay to let others know exactly how i feel.
peace,
i've been on a rampage of total honesty with people i care about. this has been hard. this has been necessary.
dishonesty isn't what i aim for, but i get all tangled up in vagueness in an effort to cloak my vulnerability. so, i know i come off enigmatic. believe me, i've tried to change this. but i can't.
for the last three weeks i've been glutting myself on the freedom that comes with openness. the difficulty, the relief-- totally worth it. hands down one of the most liberating things i've done for myself in a long while.
it's unabashedly selfish; probably more selfish than i'm prone to being in any other circumstance. but if these are some of the people i care about it's important for me to be able to artciulate exactly why and how i care, to them and just in general.
maybe it's my old age (ha!) but i'm at a place where i'm less inclined to stifle my feelings. and it really pains me to say this because less than five years ago i was all "fuck emotionality. fuck feelings. fuck all that shit." sometimes i get nostalgic for that time when consequence was farther down on my list of important things and emotional transparency was an impossibility. but that passes pretty quickly.
yet it never goes away entirely.
for now this is good. it's okay to let others know exactly how i feel.
peace,
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