Good Omens in Bad Dreams
I'm not entirely sure what to make of this dream I had last night. That it has stuck with me to this point is important because I generally forget details of dreams within a few hours of waking up each morning. Herein I attempt to process.
Toward the end of the action, which mostly took place in an apartment-type setting that looked a lot like a few of the places I've lived, a grasshopper hopped into my room. I was near the bed and watched it casually make its way though the doorway. It caused me some alarm, as I was busy stewing in my feelings about other events.
The centerpiece was listening to two people - one an anonymous person who my mind created but felt like a friend in the dream, the other an actual person I knew quite well some years back - have casual sex in the next room. After introducing them I became a nuisance to them both, and at every turn they ignored me or brushed me off until they finally fucked in the room. Dismayed, I attempted to save face the next morning by getting ready to visit some art spaces in the amalgamated metropolis of my mind, a familiar urban cityscape in which other dreams have taken place.
I looked in the mirror to see that I was someone else...a short cut straight-haired Latina wearing purple lipstick and a zany scarf. (What?) Upon seeing myself, I remember feeling like I didn't know the person in the mirror. (Oh.) After that realization I went to the doorway of the love den to say hello. Both of the people in there were discussing how much they enjoyed their evening, and were also making plans to leave for the day without me, which I found hurtful. They ignored me completely. So, I went back into my room to see the grasshopper making its way under my bed, and I noticed it was covered in, like, a red and blue Spider-man costume motif. I warned everyone of its existence but no one cared.
Then, I watched as the two fuck buddies joined a group of people at the bottom of the stairs. Before leaving me behind they made a few underhanded comments about me and laughed with the others. I feigned nonchalance but felt strongly that I wished they would leave forever. Within seconds of that sensation I woke my self up, and said aloud how horrible that dream felt.
The mood of the dream has really cast a negative vibe over today. It evoked so many of the predominant feelings I've had over the
last few years, ones of disloyalty, condescension,
under-appreciation, and mistrust. These are absolutely caught up in my slow motion toward finding another job. For the first nine months of unemployment I was really obsessed with finding a job just for the sake of appeasing my compulsion to work. (God bless America and shit.) The last three have found me really questioning everything about why I work and to what ends.
For two years everything I'd come to value about myself was challenged. Relentlessly. Eventually I had a breakdown of conscience. I floundered. I drank. I lost sight of everything. I was the most unhealthy I'd been in my adult life. My weakened resolve pushed me back into a depression. I used up my sick leave and vacation days because I was unable to force myself out of bed. Being one of the only people of color in a profoundly inhospitable place made me feel lonelier than I was. I doubted the honesty of all but a couple of personal and professional relationships. I lost my will to speak out and when I finally did, it fell on the deafest of ears. I left broken.
Grasshoppers have positive associations. They only move forward.
Talk of the Return of Saturn peppers some conversations, but most people who find out I've basically withdrawn from adult life for the past year simply do not acknowledge it. I see them fit me into this image of a boomeranging millennial and dismiss me as a casualty of my generation's low work ethic and unrealistic expectations. It's in their eyes before they drop to avoid further discussion. It's in their slightly raised chins that have it all figured out. It's in the smugness they affect in subsequent conversations about nothing particular or of consequence.
Bullshit. But I can't be angry. I wasted too much time with harshness and sadness. So, I dismiss them. I'm committed to me and my vision, which has grown much clearer in the past year.
This dream reminded me of how much more I have to let go of in order to progress. That this stillness has been progression. My feelings are still intact and my intuitions are stronger than ever.