the letter of the day is 'L'

i've been on a rampage of total honesty with people i care about. this has been hard. this has been necessary.

dishonesty isn't what i aim for, but i get all tangled up in vagueness in an effort to cloak my vulnerability. so, i know i come off enigmatic. believe me, i've tried to change this. but i can't.

for the last three weeks i've been glutting myself on the freedom that comes with openness. the difficulty, the relief-- totally worth it. hands down one of the most liberating things i've done for myself in a long while.

it's unabashedly selfish; probably more selfish than i'm prone to being in any other circumstance. but if these are some of the people i care about it's important for me to be able to artciulate exactly why and how i care, to them and just in general.

maybe it's my old age (ha!) but i'm at a place where i'm less inclined to stifle my feelings. and it really pains me to say this because less than five years ago i was all "fuck emotionality. fuck feelings. fuck all that shit." sometimes i get nostalgic for that time when consequence was farther down on my list of important things and emotional transparency was an impossibility. but that passes pretty quickly.

yet it never goes away entirely.

for now this is good. it's okay to let others know exactly how i feel.

peace,