you don't

no matter what happens in the next four months, one thing is certain. i will have my master's degree. a journey that i've found to be extremely necessary and wholly satisfying over the last few months.

i didn't enter into this program with intent having an advance degree so that i can annoyingly put MA after my name on all my business stationary. (to me this is one of the most annoying things EVER.) i did it because i need the paper to get me in the doors, and i'm talking entry level. i have a solid arts background and i have the smarts and moxie to make a great arts professional but in order to even get a fucking job that will possibly lead to a directorship i have to have this paper.

the sheer volume of what i've learned, how i've grown, the opportunities made available to me, is overwhelming. also, the minds i work with/study under are stupidly brilliant. it's inspiring and motivating. my writing has undertaken an interesting turn as well, much removed from those SHITTY-ASS BASIC articles i used to write in the times of yore when my cockiness trumped my talent. (fact: i will never include any pre-2007 articles on my c.v. for two reasons: i find them mortifying and they're under my most precious pseudonym, arguably the best decision i've ever made.)

so now i'm entering this final semester, after which i have to try to become an adult without the cushion of higher education to fall back on and i'm kind of petrified. not because there are virtually no jobs out there to be had, nor because i don't think i have what it takes but because it is actually happening. this dream of myself i had while standing in the carnegie museum of art looking at all that art that i had been woefully sheltered from in my childhood (thanks, public education!) is starting to take shape. all the tangents i've gone on like the nightmare of pre-med and the boozy stupor of journalism and the nonsense of phd programs all make sense now because they forced me to know more of what i want to do.

and although it's amazing, it's something i cannot articulate. people ask and i try but it really boils down to this feeling of rightness that i have. the clarity is there.

i'm glad i haven't given up even though i could have all those times.

peace,