from here to there to there

i think i'm making up for my civilian air force upbringing now, doing two year stints in random cities accross the states. in approximately one day i will be out of california indefinitely. i've only cried once so far, which is good. although, i've already cried salty tears of emotion in front of most people i've grown close with here in the past two years. so, whatever. i just don't want to cry when i leave this apartment. fuck. this. apartment.

san francisco has been amazing and i really hope i can come back someday when i've got enough money to truly enjoy it but before i'm too old to be irrelevant here. (that age seems to be around 40, 35 if you're looking to settle down.) i was reflecting on this yesterday, that i spent SO MUCH time pushing my career forward that i never slowed down to enjoy other aspects of the bay area outside of the art scene. and even that i only half enjoyed. meh. grad school is a bitch.

it got me thinking, though, about something i heard once. i can't remember who said it or where i heard it but it basically was about how women who are ambitious professionally during their 20s grow to resent the fact that they never enjoyed their 20s later in life-- that they were too busy to date and be young and desirable. add to that the fact that i know a few women who've rushed into marriage and motherhood to avoid becoming 30/40/50-something uber professionals who no man would ever date because of their intimidating hard earned, well-deserved pedigree, and it's a little troublesome. not because i want to slow down nor because i feel like i'm missing my 20s, because i'm fully engaged in them right now. no.

i want to be comfortable. me being comfortable includes being the best at what i do. me being the best at what i do requires hard work. hard work is time consuming. truisms are truisms. blah.

whispers of the terrible fear that i may never settle down, whatever that means, and that i'm too caught up in my career are growing louder around me. i can already hear the conversations during my extended stay in utah and feel the discomfort as i explain, yet again, that no, i'm not seeing anybody.

it's never less shocking to hear people return to the familiar tropes of "danger! educated black woman! less wanted! too intimidating! a man is the ultimate goal!" especially as i accomplish more and more exciting and noteworthing things that have nothing to do with relationships.

also, it just drives home how little 95% of people know me. the assumption that i'm limited to men or the assumption that i'm interested in fundamental compromise is laughable. i don't know if it's that they hope that i'll come around or what but it's silly at this point.

all this boils down to the fact that my stay in utah until i head out to minnesota will likely be the last extended stay i will have there for the rest of my life. i have family there. i grew up there. i know the ropes. and that's why i cut through them as early as i could.

it's mildly sad. because the more people ask me if i'm from [enter urban center] the more i want to announce that i am actually from utah. it's where i got my education. it's the culture that informed my social development. it's the society that inspired me to defy and to investigate everything.

i dunno. basically i'm trying not to pack these last few items and i'm kinda running out of shit to say at the moment. who knows.

blah.

peace,