four weeks

i've been back in utah for a month now. it's been...tough. and enlightening. and soothing. and exhausting. and necessary.

coming back here has given me a little anxiety about living in san francisco, namely around the fact that my experience there feels like a glorious dream. a tease of a dream that i've now awoken from to find i'm living the same life i was living three years ago. only not. only in an uncanny way.

everything and nothing is familiar, and i've grown increasingly isolated as a means of preparing myself for the next move. the more final move away from here. it's very important.

there was a moment when i thought i would be out and about and mingling and seeing everyone i used to kick it with frequently and getting that familiar 'hey, girl. hey.' of knowingness. and then i started racking my brain about where to go and who to see.

i know i remember _____. it was so fun when we went to _________. i should really see ____.

yeah, forgotten.

it's so clear that i don't live here anymore. i do not identify with this place. i will never return here in the same way again, i think. so, so strange to actually write that with certainty. even my family and friends, as much as i love them, are not holding me here.

after all the pain of the m&m debacle last year, i'm in a really great place with the experience. i haven't even really thought about what would happen if we crossed paths while i'm here. come to think of it, i don't know where they are now or if they're even living in this state anymore.

huh.

i'm feeling more at peace with all of what i've been so worked up about emotionally in the last little while: professional development, family revalations, my own capacity to love, and justice.

i'm ready.

peace,