oh hello, weblog. it's like we're seeing each other for the first time after a moderate fallout several years ago and all of those memories of how close we were make it really uncomfortable to maintain the distance that seems appropriate as we exchange niceties. we can both see each other reflecting as we smile awkwardly, remembering all that was said and done when days were better. we both give that soft "it'll never be the same again" sigh as we begin drifting away from each other while making empty promises of catching up with each other later.
hey blog. i started you nearly a decade ago when i was much less comfortable with myself so it made sense to have you around to explore my wanton egotism and multiple psychoses. i talked a lot about sex because i was super into sex. i talked a lot about social justice because i was super idealistic. i talked a lot about my emotional pain because i am generally a train-wreck without the ability to express myself and i was super into gutting my soul in this little pocket of the internet that no one frequents. i want to blog like i did but i just can't. it was fun to write hundreds of words about bullshit and me, me and bullshit.
dear journal. if there was ever a significant time in my life, i think it's now. when i imagine myself five years ago i can't ever see me being that type of person again. you know, trying to compensate for my inability to truly love and be vulnerable, using my ambitions as a crutch, disallowing any criticism of my behavior to change my patterns, being so terrified of getting hurt that i'd lash out and be hurtful no justifiable reason. and then there was the last few years. they happened. i came out totally scathed with the scars to prove it. and at the top of this year i realized everything. i figured it out and i'm not bogged down by any of that any more. even realizing that it was still bringing me down would have been remarkable. but being untethered from it is something i couldn't be more proud of myself for accomplishing.
hi, website. we'll chat again soon.
peace,